Chemistry is often described as inner fireworks that go off when two people connect effortlessly. I hear people say, “I felt chemistry when we kissed,” as if it were something spontaneous. When I ask them to define what they mean by chemistry they usually answer, “You know, that spark.”

But the spark they’re referring to fades in time. And when the proverbial fireworks wear out, what will remain? Two people may be on the same path when they first meet but as the years pass, they might choose to take different roads. Mentalities, opinions, and preferences shift, leaving the question, “Where is the person I fell in love with?” Romance is strong in the beginning but that comes and goes. The excitement of physical intercourse wears off. The rush of seeing that person also dies out day by day. This may sound negative but it’s the reality of all long-term relationships. Indeed, once the fireworks have fizzled, it’s hard to set them off again.

If you jump into a romance that lacks deep-seated symmetry and avoid considering what can happen in the future, you’ll experience difficulties later on. You’ll be met with unexpected challenges and obstacles for which you weren’t prepared. So how can you recognize when you share genuine compatibility that will carry your relationship through time? Sharing these principles of life ensures that you’ll evolve side by side:

1. Regarding family in the same way. Be aware of your partner’s family karma. Theirs might be broken home while your is a strong familial base. While you have to be understanding of your partner’s delicate dynamic with their family members, you also have to anticipate that the way they treat their family is the way they will treat you if and when you become their family. The issues currently at stake — they hate their mother, they don’t see their kids, etc. — will play out again once you decide to have a family with this person.

2. Setting similar life goals. It’s difficult to keep up a relationship when one partner wants to live in an apartment with no kids and the other longs for a big house filled with children. Life ambitions must be congruent from the beginning. Ask your partner from the start where they see themselves in ten years. That relationships transform over time is inevitable, but both partners should continue to visualize the an identical future, despite how each is slowly changing from day to day.

3. Agreeing to disagree. It’s impossible to agree on everything, of course. There will be times when you’ll disagree completely with your partner and you won’t be able to budge from your position. In those moments, you’ll have to agree to disagree. But not everyone is capable of putting aside their ego and walking away from an argument. Make sure that the person you choose to be with is willing to settle the differences between you to maintain the relationship in good standing.

4. Feeling emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is the glue of any love relationship. It is experiencing a sense of empathy towards your partner — picking up on what they need, what’s bothering them, and what they’re feeling inside. It is feeling your partner’s emotions as if they were your own. One of the greatest qualities you can find in a person is someone who knows just what you need before you even get the chance to ask them.

5. Sharing parenting methods. There will be much discord between you if you can’t agree on how to raise your children. Even when one parent doesn’t agree with the other, they still have to back up their partner in front of their child. You and your partner should hold the same disciplinary and parenting methods when it comes to raising kids.

6. Matching money and spending habits. It will pose many problems if one partner likes to save their hard-earned money while the other loves to blow it away on luxury items. Both partners must be consistent in terms of spending, saving, and investing. As Suze Orman said, “Opposites may attract, but I wouldn’t put my money on a relationship of financial opposites.”

7. Compensating for your partner’s failures. What you lack, the other person should possess. Alone, you’re incomplete and imperfect but together you are whole. If you’re both inadequate in the same areas, you won’t be able to complement each other. You’ll run into the same ordeals over and over again because one can’t compensate for what the other doesn’t have.

8. Seeing the world with the same eyes. A relationship is much stronger when two people see the world with the same eyes. If you’re a go-getter, you cannot be with a person who’s a quitter. Or, if you’re a person who believes in fighting for what’s right, you won’t tolerate a person who gives up because the fight isn’t worth it. Your mentality should be mirrored in your partner or you’ll become incredibly frustrated with each other. There’s always room for compromise, yes, but two partners must share views on the fundamentals of life in order to make it work for good.

9. Reciprocating respect. Respect must be upheld within all relationships. If there’s no respect, there’s no future. A person cannot constantly disrespect their partner physically, emotionally, or mentally because sooner or later, their partner will reach a breaking point and will either lash out or leave.

10. Tolerating the other person’s vice. We all have that one vice that’s our downfall. It might be cheating, lying gambling, smoking, drinking, compulsive behavior, or any other self-harming habit. You have to detect from early on what is your partner’s vice and decide whether you’ll be able to put up with it in the long run, as it’s hard to remove this behavior.

11. Settling on religion. You certainly don’t have to hold sacred the same religion to be compatible, but if you and your partner belong to different belief systems, you have to vow to respect each other’s ways of worship. It will place strain on your relationship if you’re both overly religious and can’t come to terms with each other’s creed.

12. Running on the same clock. Understand that it will cause complications if your partner works at night and you work during the day, or if one of you is constantly busy and has no time for the other. You have to run on the same clock and be able to set aside days to spend quality time or it’ll feel like a long-distance relationship while living under one roof.

13. Showing equal levels of affection. You cannot have one partner who’s warm and another who’s completely cold. The level of affection has to match to some degree. When one person constantly extends care, love, and nurture that the other person doesn’t return, the affection will not last.

14. Strengthening each other’s weaknesses. Two people in love have to build each other up, not knock each other down. I see many relationships in which both partners have become so fed up with each other that all they do is belittle each other and play on each other’s weaknesses. Such relationships are toxic and don’t last. Beware of being with a person who tends to bring up your flaws every time you get into an argument. You deserve to be reminded of everything you’re doing right, not wrong!

15. Being able to apologize. This is a big factor of compatibility. There will come the day when you’ll be given a choice either to apologize or to refuse to admit fault. If you both can’t bring yourselves to say sorry, then you’re both perpetuating a problem. Every relationship will suffer from its fair share of arguments and fights, but that doesn’t matter. What is truly important is how the couple moves past the disagreements. You won’t be able to endure a relationship with a person who sees only their side of the story every time.

These 15 elements of authentic chemistry establish not only attraction between two people, they form a deep and durable bond that defends any relationship through the test of time.

To true compatibility,
Alexandra Harra

To learn more about The Karma Queens’ Guide to Relationships, click here.

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